It’s really stupid. I just had this thing and it ended and it was so beautiful and great to me that it feels like I have a heartache. Well it is a heartache, I mean; my heart’s aching, but it’s not that it was something like a love affair, it was a friendship. A strangely created friendship, but it was stronger than any friendship before. I mean, it was magical. I don’t know. It’s not replaceable, you know. It’s something I’ve lost. I lost her. Tears are literally running down my face, as if my life depends on it. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t calm myself down, no one can. I can’t erase anything, I can’t sell these feelings on Ebay, I can’t use a spell to lose memories. I hate this situation. I know there’s nothing I can do, and that’s the hardest. If you love someone so much, miss someone so much everyday, think about her when you’re waking up and falling asleep and there’s nothing you can do about that, you feel so powerless, so helpless. I just want to say: ‘Hey girl, how are you doing? What are you up to?’ But I can’t. I just don’t dare doing that. I’m too afraid she really must ban me out of her life. It’s better to indirectly see things now and then than absolutely nothing. I just love her and this heartache isn’t over yet. I never knew there was a special person like her in the world, and now that I know I just can’t overcome. I can’t. I don’t even want to, but I need to. But I know that what I need is not always what I do. Whatever, there wasn’t any point in this, besides that I never do what’s good for me. Didn’t I mention the battles and fights between the heart and the brain? Well, here we are again. And my heart just said to my brain: go @#$% yourself.



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